Day 341: Do something scary

I think I screwed it up with Starbucks guy yesterday.

I saw him again this morning, but he wasn’t very talkative. In fact he walked away from me and sat down in the corner. Yikes!

I tried to salvage it, I walked over and tried to chat with him while I was waiting for my breakfast but I don’t know if the damage control was effective.

So I was thinking about putting a note on his car? Wow as I actually write that down it sounds a little stalker-esque… probably not a good idea.

I could actually talk to him, that’s a novel concept right?

I guess the bigger issue is, am I really interested? He seems older and I tend to go for younger guys, but that hasn’t always worked out for me.

It wouldn’t hurt to go grab a drink with the guy, but I hate to waste his time if I’m not serious about it.

Starbuck’s sure is profitting off my indecisiveness, I used to only stop once a week, but this has me going in every day!

What is wrong with me?! For most women this is an easy yes or no question, it is not this serious!

I think it all boils down to my need to please people and make them happy, and not believing in myself.

As I’m writing this, I am watching the So You Think You Can Dance auditions. One of the guys trying out is from a ‘farm town’, much like me.

He said something that resonated with me.

He said every time he tries hard for something it doesn’t work out, and he wasn’t expecting to get far in the competition because of that.

The thing is, he made it to the top 10 because the judges believed in him when he didn’t believe in himself.

The saw that he has heart, drive, passion and potential, but all he could see was that he wasn’t as good as the others around him with more training and skill.

Sometimes I feel like that when I talk to family and friends who seem to have this unrelenting belief in me.

Much like this kid, I don’t take praise very well. It could be that my parents taught me to be humble or somewhere deep down I don’t believe its true.

I am getting emotional watching this show, as I see all the families supporting the dancers and the absolute outpouring of emotion and pride for them at their success it makes me wonder if I really can be truly happy again.

Not just having a good day, sure I have those, everybody does. I am generally a pretty happy person.

I’m talking about having a life that is absolutely fulfilling in every way imaginable.

Somewhere deep down I think I’m afraid to find that joy because when I have had it in the past something has happened to take it away. And the pain of having it ripped away is gut wrenching and not something I ever want to experience again.

But in order to grow you must move outside your comfort zone, that is the reason for this blog.

I don’t want to stay stagnant, I want to learn and grow into a better person and that means doing things I’m not comfortable with.

I have a list of sayings on my fridge, and one of them is ‘do one thing a day that scares you’.

As awkward as it will be for me, I suppose I should put myself out there with the Starbucks guy, because what is the worst that could happen?

Stay tuned…


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