Holding it together when your heart’s not in it

It’s amazing what a little exploration and research can do.  In my case, it equates to hope, opportunity and the pursuit of happiness.  A recent trip opened my eyes to a new world that is so overwhelming I can’t wrap my head around where to begin this journey.  I mean overwhelming in the best possible way; the kind of way that makes you scared shitless, full of emotion, passion, when you are holding back tears of happiness because you just know it’s right, the fire of ambition bursting to get out because you want to do everything when you know it’s not physically possible. The kind of excitement and energy that sends your mind into a Tasmanian devil like state, each idea like a spinning plate at the circus.

The past few days have been so synchronistic with each meeting and conversation leading to another connection and networking opportunity in a way that let me know I am exactly where I need to be. I have been fortunate enough to be here before, but never with this intensity.  I want to jump right into the water and start creating, but unfortunately, like most, I don’t have the luxury of stopping what I’m doing to spend 6-months building the next step of my future, and that begins my current struggle.

If I could walk out of my job right now, I would do it.  The situation is so toxic it takes every ounce of energy I have to continue.  I am bitter, resentful, and angry and I have a hard time putting on the happy face and pretending everything is ok when I’m done… and I am officially done. I’m done with New York, and I’m done with this side of the career.  

Knowing there is a bright future ahead makes it better but better is relative, which begs the question ‘How do you hold it together when your heart’s not in it?’  The practical side of me knows I need to keep earning a paycheck until the rest is off the ground but the emotional side of me wants to put my foot down and say ‘enough is enough!’ and walk away.

I know another life lesson is on the way, and I’m sure when I’m through this one I’ll look back and have no idea how I did it, but that is half the fun right?  One step in front of the other until you accomplish the impossible. Let the marathon begin!


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